Are you and your partner hoping to try something kinky? If it’s time to spice up your evenings, give BDSM a try.
What is BDSM? Not sure how it works or how to stay safe while trying it out? It can seem quite daunting at first, especially due to the risks and imagery one might find when looking it up online.
Don’t fret, we’ve got an in-depth guide below to introduce BDSM for beginners. Learn how to discuss fantasies, practice caution, and more by going over our list. Discover all you need about BDSM below:
Table of Contents
Understand the Basics
What does BDSM stand for? It refers to bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism-masochism.
In more ways than one, it’s about one person surrendering control to their partner. This can take many forms, from physical restraints to allowing the other to control when they can reach their orgasm.
It’s not as shady or as uncommon as one might think. People have been practicing BDSM for at least a few centuries. One study even showed that over half of the participating couples wanted to try BDSM — if they haven’t already.
Open Communication
A key component of BDSM is constant and consistent communication. Make it a point to discuss every little bit with your partner. Doing so guarantees BDSM will strengthen your relationship.
Communication will ensure you both are on the same page. Also, don’t stop communicating even during sex or a BDSM session. Subtle methods like tapping, moaning, shaking your head, or biting your lip can give clear signals to your partner.
Of course, discuss things with your partner after each session. Understand what they liked, didn’t like, and what kind of adjustments you need to make.
Establish Boundaries
A big portion of BDSM is the S&M portion. There can be some level of pain involved.
This can come from light whipping, playing with hot candle wax, biting, choking, or using clamps on the body. There are so many ways to please a partner into pain.
However, you do need to establish boundaries. Understand your partner’s limits. Discuss which are their soft boundaries and their hard limits.
A soft boundary is one your partner wants you to push. That said, take it slowly and always stay in their comfort zone. A hard limit is something you should never break.
Guarantee Consent
Speaking of limits, make it a habit to always discuss consent. You shouldn’t do something without your partner’s go signal. Wait for the green light before even attempting something.
If you didn’t discuss it, don’t try it. If you asked but didn’t get a response, assume they didn’t hear you so again, don’t try it. Never assume and always wait until you get a clear, verbal response.
Planning to gag your partner? Before you do, discuss how they can give consent or refusal even when they can’t speak. Other than a headshake or nod, try to come up with an alternative like tapping three times or crossing their fingers.
Have Safewords
Consent is the most important factor to consider but how can your partner tell you to stop in the middle of a session? Remember that the word “stop” might not matter, especially if you’re into roleplaying where rough sex or forced sex is part of the fun.
The solution is to come up with a few safewords. These will replace the word “no” and should be a clear sign to stop when mentioned. Your safewords have to be uncommon in the context of sex but also easy to utter, even when doing BDSM bondage.
Good safewords include “banana,” “unicorn,” and “cherries.” None of these words have anything to do with sex or BDSM so it’s nearly impossible to mistake them. When you hear them, you know it’s time to stop and reassess.
Join a Community
There are two major factors to remember: you don’t know everything about BDSM and you’re not the only person into it.
Seek and join a BDSM community. Doing so can greatly increase your knowledge. You’ll learn how to do things safely, like how to choke your partner without harming them or how to give proper aftercare.
The good news is there are a lot of options. Your neighborhood might have a good BDSM organization. You can find online BDSM communities, like FetLife, or groups on social media platforms.
Don’t hesitate to watch YouTube videos uploaded by BDSM experts. They might have videos teaching you proper BDSM safety protocols or advice on how to try different kinds of play.
Seek Advice
When joining a community, whether in person or online, always ask questions. Learn how to introduce BDSM to your partner, how to make sure both parties feel safe, or how to do certain BDSM practices and play styles.
Listening to people who have experience and can give you anecdotal examples can go a long way in improving your dive into the world of BDSM.
Don’t hesitate to bring this up with a therapist either. Sometimes, a medical expert can help you dive into your personal desires. You might further understand why you’re into this and accept how it’s normal for couples to try.
Start Slowly
BDSM for beginners requires a slow start. Don’t rush things because that’s a one-way ticket to trouble. Don’t jump right into an extreme form of play.
Start with a blindfold. Work your way from there by introducing cuffs and then later a sex toy or two. Don’t try to expose your partner (and yourself) to all of this at once.
Taking it slowly also guarantees you can easily identify what works and what doesn’t. You and your partner can always discuss each session and then determine what to try out next.
Using Toys
Let’s discuss introducing toys to your nightly routines. Remember that sex toys aren’t solely for women. There are also sex toys meant for men and LGBT members too.
It’s always a safe bet to start with a dildo or vibrator. These are the most common toys you’ll find. You can then upgrade later on to things like electric prods, leg bars, and anal plugs or beads.
Men can try out penis rings or sleeves. A fleshlight is another great starting point. If you and your couple switch roles, a strap-on dildo is also a good choice for beginners.
Blindfolds and Restraints
If it’s your first time trying out BDSM, you can start with something as simple as a blindfold. Taking away your partner’s ability to see what you’re up to can instantly heighten their other senses. They’ll become even more sensitive to every touch and smell.
Do you want to add a stronger thrill? Cuff your partner. It’ll make them feel even more vulnerable and under your control.
However, this can be quite intense for some people. This level of exposure and losing all control is a little daunting. Make sure to discuss restraints and safewords first.
Hoping to last longer in bed? You can read this article for a few tips and then add these steps to your BDSM session. Use a few restraints, practice some edging techniques, and extend your play sessions!
No Drugs or Alcohol
Whenever you’re about to dive into a BDSM session, stay away from the drugs and alcohol. Even light substances like cannabis should be off the table. Keep in mind that while these substances can increase your libido or make things feel more exciting, they also take away your ability to think clearly.
If you or your partner are under any sort of substance influence, call it off. The submissive person might not be in the right mind and won’t be able to say the safeword. The dominant partner might not be able to tell when it’s time to stop.
Aftercare Matters
Done with your session and sex? Make sure to treat your partner with some aftercare. Let them recover and enjoy the natural psychedelic effects while in a state of rest.
Take your time to learn the kinds of aftercare your partner enjoys the most. Let them feel loved and give them time to recover.
For example, you can give them a massage, praise them for their performance, take them out for dinner, or tease them with sweet or romantic words.
Follow These BDSM For Beginners Tips Now
BDSM can seem scary and daunting at first but it’s a good way to truly connect with your partner. Not only does it build trust but it’s a new way to spice up your evenings and strengthen intimacy.
Don’t panic if it’s your first time. Simply follow these tips for BDSM for beginners and you’ll be on the right track.
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